Looking back at my blog posts and diary entries, it’s clear that I’ve been up and down lately.
In the past 10 years, these moods have become increasingly strong, and more unbalanced.
The back and forth has become so familiar, sometimes I don’t even notice it.
I’m so used to the highs and lows coming and going as they please that it feels as familiar as wearing my high school backpack.
For instance, I know I’m a rapid cycler. In my case, I experience depression, then hypomania, and around it goes.
What freaks me out the most, though, are the mixed states.
A mixed episode is present when someone experiences mania and depression either simultaneously or in rapid sequence. I am at my worst when I am experiencing mania and depression together at the same time.
I am angry, I am irrational.
I am not a fun person to be around.
But when I am happy, I shine bright. I am electric; everyone wants to be around me, to hear what I have to say. I am charming, I connect with people, and I have confidence. There has been too little of that lately.
I’m pushing on, though. Things are getting better.
I don’t want to be pessimistic, but I have to be realistic with my illness. It will happen again—I will be depressed and feel hopeless and like that time is the time—the time I will finally die.
Yet I will rise again.
What I know about this illness is that there will be highs and lows for the rest of my life. I have accepted that and the best plan of attack, I’ve decided, is to be cognizant of that and to arm myself to the best of my ability.
I need a lot of love, a lot of patience, a lot of self-care, and a lot of faith.
Having bipolar can be tough, but it is also the mark of a true warrior.
I have battle scars, and for that, I am wise and experienced.
I have experienced life like few have.
Join us on 4/23/13 at 8pm ET for our #treatdiarieschat with Kat http://katgalaxyblog.com/. We’re going to learn all about living with Bipolar.